Thursday's Thoughts
Boy did I ever get some shitty news yesterday. It just got back to us that my old boss, the founder and owner of the company I worked for in Mobile, has been diagnosed with lung cancer. Cancer is bad no matter who gets it but it especially sucks when you hear that a great man like him has it. I worked for him for almost 8 years and, with only very few exceptions, loved every one of them. He is in my prayers.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Hump Day Miscellanea
Robbie's meeting was rescheduled to Thursday so he didn't come in yesterday. He will be here tomorrow, though. I challenged him to a weight loss contest as he just began his new routine this week too. The contest will measure not gross weight lost but weight lost as a percentage of body weight. We'll take 6 months to do it. Robbie's a devotee of the "Body for Life" program and he keeps encouraging me to read the book and do it too. One thing I do not like about BFL is that you have to take a "before" photograph for motivation. And you have to take the picture in just a pair of shorts.
Eyyyyyye don't know . . .
I can see how it would be good motivation to do that but still . . . how embarassing!
Today was my third day in the gym. I went in this morning and just did some cardio (recumbent bike, ab crunches, and 5 minutes jogging on the treadmill) before hitting the sauna. I know that 5 minutes is nothing to brag about for running however, considering that the last time I was on a regular running program, President Bush's father was president, I'm not too ashamed of it. Gotta start somewhere.
After my workout, I went to my weekly Toastmasters meeting. My club meets every Wednesday at 7:30am. I just joined last month and am glad I did. They're all a very nice, very professional, group of people. We're called the "Business Babblers" and today was the charter's one year anniversary.
I should have mentioned Toastmasters as a "light bulb" to help ward off depression. I'm not a "joiner" by nature. I know some people who will join every club that wants them. I'm the opposite. I am and have always been very reticent about things like that. However, by the same token, I have no problem with public speaking (obviously, since I've had commercials on both TV and talk-radio over the past year) though. No, I am quite the ham in that regard. However, I do want to be a better speaker. Toastmasters is also a good way to get out of my bubble, to meet people who like me are motivated to better themselves. I'm happy to be a part of them.
Robbie's meeting was rescheduled to Thursday so he didn't come in yesterday. He will be here tomorrow, though. I challenged him to a weight loss contest as he just began his new routine this week too. The contest will measure not gross weight lost but weight lost as a percentage of body weight. We'll take 6 months to do it. Robbie's a devotee of the "Body for Life" program and he keeps encouraging me to read the book and do it too. One thing I do not like about BFL is that you have to take a "before" photograph for motivation. And you have to take the picture in just a pair of shorts.
Eyyyyyye don't know . . .
I can see how it would be good motivation to do that but still . . . how embarassing!
Today was my third day in the gym. I went in this morning and just did some cardio (recumbent bike, ab crunches, and 5 minutes jogging on the treadmill) before hitting the sauna. I know that 5 minutes is nothing to brag about for running however, considering that the last time I was on a regular running program, President Bush's father was president, I'm not too ashamed of it. Gotta start somewhere.
After my workout, I went to my weekly Toastmasters meeting. My club meets every Wednesday at 7:30am. I just joined last month and am glad I did. They're all a very nice, very professional, group of people. We're called the "Business Babblers" and today was the charter's one year anniversary.
I should have mentioned Toastmasters as a "light bulb" to help ward off depression. I'm not a "joiner" by nature. I know some people who will join every club that wants them. I'm the opposite. I am and have always been very reticent about things like that. However, by the same token, I have no problem with public speaking (obviously, since I've had commercials on both TV and talk-radio over the past year) though. No, I am quite the ham in that regard. However, I do want to be a better speaker. Toastmasters is also a good way to get out of my bubble, to meet people who like me are motivated to better themselves. I'm happy to be a part of them.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Second Workout
I worked out my triceps and back this morning. Again, I used preposterously light weights and I only did about half the exercises I normally do. By "normally" I mean as in when I'm in a program. Also, as predicted, waking up and getting my ass out of bed proved to be rather more difficult this morning.
All that being said though, I think I'm going to like this program. I've always liked the way I felt after having a morning workout and in fact it used to be a regular part of my routine back in college. Of course, back then "early" meant no earlier than 7:30am. I got out of the habit when I graduated from college and started going to the gym with a friend after work back in the early 90's. As I get older though, I find that that just doesn't work with me any longer. I miss too much time with my family, the gym's too crowded and I'm just too tired to do any good when I get there.
I know it's early but thus far this seems to be working with me.
Robbie's coming into town today for a client meeting and staying with us this evening. Tomorrow morning we'll both head to Bally's at 5:30. I'll just do some cardio (stairmaster or jogging treadmill) while he does whatever he does. Should be fun.
Also, I've got Megan's Stratus in the office to have my mechanic look at it. I drove it yesterday and the smell of burning oil was alarming. I know it has a leak, and I know that as long as we keep topping it off that there shouldn't be a problem, but I won't be able to sleep well (okay, Erica won't be able to sleep well) until it's fixed.
I listened to Nickelback's new CD (it's in Megan's stereo) on the way into work. God, what an awesome band! My tastes in music are admittedly throwback, but I do like some bands today. Nickelback is definitely of of them.
I worked out my triceps and back this morning. Again, I used preposterously light weights and I only did about half the exercises I normally do. By "normally" I mean as in when I'm in a program. Also, as predicted, waking up and getting my ass out of bed proved to be rather more difficult this morning.
All that being said though, I think I'm going to like this program. I've always liked the way I felt after having a morning workout and in fact it used to be a regular part of my routine back in college. Of course, back then "early" meant no earlier than 7:30am. I got out of the habit when I graduated from college and started going to the gym with a friend after work back in the early 90's. As I get older though, I find that that just doesn't work with me any longer. I miss too much time with my family, the gym's too crowded and I'm just too tired to do any good when I get there.
I know it's early but thus far this seems to be working with me.
Robbie's coming into town today for a client meeting and staying with us this evening. Tomorrow morning we'll both head to Bally's at 5:30. I'll just do some cardio (stairmaster or jogging treadmill) while he does whatever he does. Should be fun.
Also, I've got Megan's Stratus in the office to have my mechanic look at it. I drove it yesterday and the smell of burning oil was alarming. I know it has a leak, and I know that as long as we keep topping it off that there shouldn't be a problem, but I won't be able to sleep well (okay, Erica won't be able to sleep well) until it's fixed.
I listened to Nickelback's new CD (it's in Megan's stereo) on the way into work. God, what an awesome band! My tastes in music are admittedly throwback, but I do like some bands today. Nickelback is definitely of of them.
Monday, January 05, 2004
First Workout
Well, I had my first workout on this new 5:30 am routine. I was excited to begin so I had no trouble waking at 5:00, even after going to bed at 11:00 last night. That will change when I get into a sense of routine.
The workout was very perfunctory and my shoulder felt like someone had run a spike thru it, but I persisted. On Mondays, I usually do pecs and biceps along with the daily cardio (in this case, recumbent bike) and stomach crunches. I did three sets of dumbell bench using only 65-lb dumbells. The weights weren't heavy, even after being out of the gym as long as I had, but it hurt my shoulder like a bitch getting the weights up in the air. But afterward, I felt good. My arms were pumped up and I felt a little like my old self.
We'll see how bad the soreness becomes later today and this evening. Tomorrow morning I'll do my back and triceps. That should be fun with a gimpy shoulder.
Well, I had my first workout on this new 5:30 am routine. I was excited to begin so I had no trouble waking at 5:00, even after going to bed at 11:00 last night. That will change when I get into a sense of routine.
The workout was very perfunctory and my shoulder felt like someone had run a spike thru it, but I persisted. On Mondays, I usually do pecs and biceps along with the daily cardio (in this case, recumbent bike) and stomach crunches. I did three sets of dumbell bench using only 65-lb dumbells. The weights weren't heavy, even after being out of the gym as long as I had, but it hurt my shoulder like a bitch getting the weights up in the air. But afterward, I felt good. My arms were pumped up and I felt a little like my old self.
We'll see how bad the soreness becomes later today and this evening. Tomorrow morning I'll do my back and triceps. That should be fun with a gimpy shoulder.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
The Light in the Window
One thing I’ve learned as I try to raise my family and to be a leader at work is that my mind tends to work in terms of metaphors and analogies. I’ve always thought the analogy a useful tool for explaining things to either someone at work or to one of my girls. It makes sense, after all. What could better explain something that’s not familiar to someone than to have it be expressed in terms that are? But it’s not just for that. The more I think about it, the more I find that my mind is awash in metaphors. In some ways, my mind is probably made of metaphors.
The metaphor that I think of when battling depression is the light bulb. I think the light bulb was probably the greatest invention of the 20th century. Greater than the telephone and greater than splitting the atom. Greater even than the internal combustion engine. It was Edison’s invention that allowed Man to fully master his environment. Man could now light his homes, streets and factories without the danger that attended lamps and torches. And to me, the light bulb is the ultimate symbol of Man’s mastery of nature because, unlike fire which is a naturally occurring phenomenon, it’s artificial, a pure product that would not exist had not man made it. It’s a product of pure daring and ambition. What balls it must have taken for Edison to have even conceived of the light bulb. It would be like someone today proposing an invention that suspended gravity, such was the fundamental nature of darkness and night.
When I feel myself falling into a “funk” it’s like the coming of night. I slow down and feel tired. I become irritable and impatient. My thinking becomes hazy and I have to fight against falling into self-pity and paranoia. I become confrontational with people, both at work and at home. I lose my will to exercise and my eating habits go all to hell. At my worst, I will have random spells where I will start crying while sitting at my desk or driving my truck. I won’t think when I’m in a depression, either; it’s like my mind just wants to go into neutral and stay there. When I do think, I usually dwell on my problems, both real and imagined.
Unbidden thoughts of inadequacy, hopelessness, fear for the future, and cynicism are the demons that haunt this darkness of mine.
As you can imagine, I am not easy to be around when this happens to me. I don’t let it totally take me over because even when I’m in the throes of one, I know that it’s something that’s “happening to” me. In other words, I know that what I’m feeling is a matter of perception rather than reality. But still, it isn’t pleasant. I tend to get real quiet when my “black dog” is barking and I withdraw a little from people around me.
However, there are “light bulbs” that I can hold up to keep the darkness at bay, actions I can take to battle it back. First of all, I have never fallen into such a bad funk that a good solid 8 hours of sleep couldn’t cure. It’s like the mind “reboots” itself in a deep sleep, resetting all the emotional settings for the morning. Second, alcohol is no friend to someone battling depression. If I feel like I’m in a funk or am fighting one off, I never ever drink. I have before and boy did it make it worse for me. After all, if you’re depressed, you don’t take a depressant to cure it. Another easy way to fight off depression is to get busy with something. Get from passive to active. Anything from writing to taking a drive to going to the gym will do. The important thing is to get off your ass and do something. Anything will do, just move.
Weirdly enough, another thing I’ve found that really helps me is cleaning. I don’t like things to be dirty. I don’t really like to clean either and I always bitch about it when I’m doing it but I find that when I’m done I always feel better. I like having a clean house. I like it when my carpet is clean and the things in my house that need to gleam do. And I don’t like having a dirty truck, either. You should never bitch about your truck being a piece of shit when strangers are scrawling “wash me” on your tailgate.
But the best “light bulb” I’ve yet found is writing. Being in a depression is in a lot of ways like looking at a funhouse mirror. Your sense of perspective is distorted and your problems appear to be vastly larger than they really are. One way I’ve found to get that perspective back is to write about it. Committing your thoughts to writing forces you to organize them (as in a depression your thoughts are a disorganized mishmash) and this tends to iron out your perceptions. In fact, since I started writing regularly in this weblog, I haven’t had one bad spell. I find that writing tends to clear my thinking and restore my perspective. It forces discipline on my thinking, too. After all it’s hard to write things down that sound whiny or self-pitying if there’s the risk that someone’ll read it out there. When I do write a woe-is-me thought, then read it, it repels me. This purges that disgusting emotion and makes me feel better.
Like creating the light bulb, fighting depression requires the application of will. Edison didn’t pluck the light bulb from a tree, he conceived it and probably went thru hundreds of prototypes before he found the one that worked. Fighting the inner darkness takes that same kind of energy, resourcefulness and persistence.
Tomorrow I begin my new “early bird special” workout routine. I am going to wake up at 5am and be in the gym at 5:30. I’ve already packed my bag and ironed my shirt for tomorrow. It’ll be hell, of course, and I have no idea how well my shoulder will take it, but I’m going to do it. Then, I’m going to do it again and again. I’m going to do it until it becomes as much a part of my daily routine as taking a shower.
One thing I’ve learned as I try to raise my family and to be a leader at work is that my mind tends to work in terms of metaphors and analogies. I’ve always thought the analogy a useful tool for explaining things to either someone at work or to one of my girls. It makes sense, after all. What could better explain something that’s not familiar to someone than to have it be expressed in terms that are? But it’s not just for that. The more I think about it, the more I find that my mind is awash in metaphors. In some ways, my mind is probably made of metaphors.
The metaphor that I think of when battling depression is the light bulb. I think the light bulb was probably the greatest invention of the 20th century. Greater than the telephone and greater than splitting the atom. Greater even than the internal combustion engine. It was Edison’s invention that allowed Man to fully master his environment. Man could now light his homes, streets and factories without the danger that attended lamps and torches. And to me, the light bulb is the ultimate symbol of Man’s mastery of nature because, unlike fire which is a naturally occurring phenomenon, it’s artificial, a pure product that would not exist had not man made it. It’s a product of pure daring and ambition. What balls it must have taken for Edison to have even conceived of the light bulb. It would be like someone today proposing an invention that suspended gravity, such was the fundamental nature of darkness and night.
When I feel myself falling into a “funk” it’s like the coming of night. I slow down and feel tired. I become irritable and impatient. My thinking becomes hazy and I have to fight against falling into self-pity and paranoia. I become confrontational with people, both at work and at home. I lose my will to exercise and my eating habits go all to hell. At my worst, I will have random spells where I will start crying while sitting at my desk or driving my truck. I won’t think when I’m in a depression, either; it’s like my mind just wants to go into neutral and stay there. When I do think, I usually dwell on my problems, both real and imagined.
Unbidden thoughts of inadequacy, hopelessness, fear for the future, and cynicism are the demons that haunt this darkness of mine.
As you can imagine, I am not easy to be around when this happens to me. I don’t let it totally take me over because even when I’m in the throes of one, I know that it’s something that’s “happening to” me. In other words, I know that what I’m feeling is a matter of perception rather than reality. But still, it isn’t pleasant. I tend to get real quiet when my “black dog” is barking and I withdraw a little from people around me.
However, there are “light bulbs” that I can hold up to keep the darkness at bay, actions I can take to battle it back. First of all, I have never fallen into such a bad funk that a good solid 8 hours of sleep couldn’t cure. It’s like the mind “reboots” itself in a deep sleep, resetting all the emotional settings for the morning. Second, alcohol is no friend to someone battling depression. If I feel like I’m in a funk or am fighting one off, I never ever drink. I have before and boy did it make it worse for me. After all, if you’re depressed, you don’t take a depressant to cure it. Another easy way to fight off depression is to get busy with something. Get from passive to active. Anything from writing to taking a drive to going to the gym will do. The important thing is to get off your ass and do something. Anything will do, just move.
Weirdly enough, another thing I’ve found that really helps me is cleaning. I don’t like things to be dirty. I don’t really like to clean either and I always bitch about it when I’m doing it but I find that when I’m done I always feel better. I like having a clean house. I like it when my carpet is clean and the things in my house that need to gleam do. And I don’t like having a dirty truck, either. You should never bitch about your truck being a piece of shit when strangers are scrawling “wash me” on your tailgate.
But the best “light bulb” I’ve yet found is writing. Being in a depression is in a lot of ways like looking at a funhouse mirror. Your sense of perspective is distorted and your problems appear to be vastly larger than they really are. One way I’ve found to get that perspective back is to write about it. Committing your thoughts to writing forces you to organize them (as in a depression your thoughts are a disorganized mishmash) and this tends to iron out your perceptions. In fact, since I started writing regularly in this weblog, I haven’t had one bad spell. I find that writing tends to clear my thinking and restore my perspective. It forces discipline on my thinking, too. After all it’s hard to write things down that sound whiny or self-pitying if there’s the risk that someone’ll read it out there. When I do write a woe-is-me thought, then read it, it repels me. This purges that disgusting emotion and makes me feel better.
Like creating the light bulb, fighting depression requires the application of will. Edison didn’t pluck the light bulb from a tree, he conceived it and probably went thru hundreds of prototypes before he found the one that worked. Fighting the inner darkness takes that same kind of energy, resourcefulness and persistence.
Tomorrow I begin my new “early bird special” workout routine. I am going to wake up at 5am and be in the gym at 5:30. I’ve already packed my bag and ironed my shirt for tomorrow. It’ll be hell, of course, and I have no idea how well my shoulder will take it, but I’m going to do it. Then, I’m going to do it again and again. I’m going to do it until it becomes as much a part of my daily routine as taking a shower.
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